Wish You Were Here

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.” ~ Lemony Snicket

We were two lost souls living in a fish bowl, year after year. Running the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears. And that my friends comes from Pink Floyd's song, Wish You Were Here, and you know what? That is probably the best description of our lives right here. The world is this one giant fish bowl and you're doing the best you can to just get by in life. People come and go, but you're still waiting for this one soul to get you out of this routine. And he/she is probably doing the same thing, waiting. It takes this one moment, this one spark to ignite the fire. Though sometimes it feels like it is hopeless and that you'll forever be alone. You're not actually alone. Somewhere in the world, someone's going through the same thing. 

The past few months I've been keeping myself busy to try to get things (not Harvey things) out of my head. It's been really tough and sometimes, you need someone to talk to about it. And I know I've always got my friends, but sometimes you need someone more than that, more than family too.

With all these things going on in my life, there were points when I realized that I was all alone. And that realization got to me -- it just made me feel more lonely. At that moment, I was really vying on finding someone. But I couldn't. Though I didn't even think about Harvey at those moments. Not once did I wish I had Harvey. Surprisingly. It just meant that my feelings for him went away and to be honest, I don't think that there were ever feelings for him. I went against all my senses (common sense, being one of them) and just manipulated myself into liking him. When I thought, all hope was lost...it happened. I was recently talking to my sister and she told me that there was always that one person at the back of my mind and I had never let go of him. I knew she was right and it's true...I've never let go of him. Not once. I lived a life pretending that he was gone, but he never was.

Have you ever had someone just linger in your mind for several years and you've just gone on to live your life without ever letting them go? This guy has never been in a relationship with me nor have we ever interacted enough to categorize it as a friendship. To be honest, ladies, he's just been there. Lingering. Just there. 

We lived separate lives--parallel is the word that suits this "relationship". We haven't gone anywhere. We're both still single. And we both haven't gone into a real relationship. Whenever I see him, I always become my eleven year-old self...my heart pounds into my chest, a rouge hue burns into my cheeks, and my gaze instantly looks to the ground. I know it sounds pathetic, but I never considered pursuing him. I just liked him. There was always a special place in my heart for him. And I'm not just bringing him up to make up for the Harvey-less life. Because I'm definitely over Harvey. But I've noticed a pattern...no matter what, no matter who, my feelings for this guy are always there.  There's just something different about him, but I just can't say what it is. 


I feel that maybe this is the guy. Not the ONE. But I'm open to the possibility. I don't know what I'm going to do now that I'm all grown up. I was eleven when I first liked him and there was no way that I was going to do anything about it then. Now it's different. It's just...I don't know what to do, and I always somehow know what to do. Not anymore. All these years and I'm just going to talk to him? I don't know. Sure, Facebook's a place to communicate, but what about outside of Facebook? I don't want him to be the "what if" guy. I also don't want him to be creeped out when he finds that I've had feelings for him for all these years. Maybe I'll just continue to live my life until the time is right...then again, when is it ever right? Maybe I'll take it slow -- maybe this time when our eyes meet, I won't look down. Maybe when we bump into each other I will say hi. Maybe when we see each other across the street I'll smile. Little things add up, don't they?

For now, I'll start blogging more often. I'll take things day to day. And a big thanks to those who haven't given up on me as a blogger. I appreciate it! 

Much Love ,

V