The Life and Woes of a Single Woman

"Emancipation of women has made them lose their mystery." ~ Grace Kelly

What would women do if there was no such thing as men? Would women's lives without men make it easier than what we go through now? Asking myself these questions, I begin to wonder whether or not living without men is possible. I mean we wouldn't be fighting over them, we wouldn't need to die in the corner just waiting for him to call or text back, or maybe we wouldn't have to worry about getting married or having kids. We could focus on anything that we want, instead of reminding ourselves about what Tim did with this other girl. No, we would just be ourselves. Sounds like a better world, right? 

But ladies, we shouldn't be wishing for a world just full of women. We don't need to get rid of men, because they cause us all this havoc. Sometimes, it's our faults. For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with just about everything. Confusion has become my best friend. Only yesterday was when I saw the truth. I've been talking to a lot of girlfriends recently and all of them are amazing. It's just that sometimes, I find that some of my friendships have been based on guys and how we struggle without them. Being single is a nightmare. And for sure it is, but how can we enjoy our lives when there's someone who's weighing us down...whether or not he/she is actually dating us? We've become consumed with the fact that our life's goal is a Hollywood-founded dream: to get a guy and live with him forever. Our lives revolve around trying to find "The One," when "The One" could be just waiting for something interesting to happen to us. 

When we say that our lives are boring, we actually mean to say: "I'm so alone and no one wants me. Could you help me find someone that I could do everything with?" It just bothers me so much, because what happened to the women in the past rooting for independence and dying for a ballot in the box? What happened to the women who were inspired how other women expressed themselves through words, and not just how they dress? Those women are still out there, but we don't pay attention to those people. They're lives are not interesting enough anymore. I mean people pay more attention to woman who can find fame through sex or through showing her body and not the woman who rose to fame with her intelligence. It's not supposed to be like that, but it is. And to each their own, but I just want to let you ladies know that life is something that we're given. No matter what religion you follow, it's about living life. And how can we do that if it's only based on whether or not this guy asked you out, or what not? It's great, but the thing is...what the hell will you be talking about once you're in a relationship with him? How interesting your life is? Enough said. 

My advice: Live life as interestingly as possible, whether you enjoy riding a bike. Or maybe drawing or even people watching. Life, in all respects, brings you unexpected possibilities when you're not looking. Don't focus on finding someone, focus on yourself first. Trust yourself. Be yourself. Enjoy yourself. A thirty year old friend once said to me, "Once you're thirty and married, you're going to be begging for your singularity back." Freedom is what we wanted and in some parts of the world, that's what we got. Now ladies, embrace being single, once in a while. Because when we don't have it, we're going to want it back. But if we lived a happy life of singledom, we'd be willing enough to live with a significant other. 

Lots of Love, 

V 

Wish You Were Here

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.” ~ Lemony Snicket

We were two lost souls living in a fish bowl, year after year. Running the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears. And that my friends comes from Pink Floyd's song, Wish You Were Here, and you know what? That is probably the best description of our lives right here. The world is this one giant fish bowl and you're doing the best you can to just get by in life. People come and go, but you're still waiting for this one soul to get you out of this routine. And he/she is probably doing the same thing, waiting. It takes this one moment, this one spark to ignite the fire. Though sometimes it feels like it is hopeless and that you'll forever be alone. You're not actually alone. Somewhere in the world, someone's going through the same thing. 

The past few months I've been keeping myself busy to try to get things (not Harvey things) out of my head. It's been really tough and sometimes, you need someone to talk to about it. And I know I've always got my friends, but sometimes you need someone more than that, more than family too.

With all these things going on in my life, there were points when I realized that I was all alone. And that realization got to me -- it just made me feel more lonely. At that moment, I was really vying on finding someone. But I couldn't. Though I didn't even think about Harvey at those moments. Not once did I wish I had Harvey. Surprisingly. It just meant that my feelings for him went away and to be honest, I don't think that there were ever feelings for him. I went against all my senses (common sense, being one of them) and just manipulated myself into liking him. When I thought, all hope was lost...it happened. I was recently talking to my sister and she told me that there was always that one person at the back of my mind and I had never let go of him. I knew she was right and it's true...I've never let go of him. Not once. I lived a life pretending that he was gone, but he never was.

Have you ever had someone just linger in your mind for several years and you've just gone on to live your life without ever letting them go? This guy has never been in a relationship with me nor have we ever interacted enough to categorize it as a friendship. To be honest, ladies, he's just been there. Lingering. Just there. 

We lived separate lives--parallel is the word that suits this "relationship". We haven't gone anywhere. We're both still single. And we both haven't gone into a real relationship. Whenever I see him, I always become my eleven year-old self...my heart pounds into my chest, a rouge hue burns into my cheeks, and my gaze instantly looks to the ground. I know it sounds pathetic, but I never considered pursuing him. I just liked him. There was always a special place in my heart for him. And I'm not just bringing him up to make up for the Harvey-less life. Because I'm definitely over Harvey. But I've noticed a pattern...no matter what, no matter who, my feelings for this guy are always there.  There's just something different about him, but I just can't say what it is. 


I feel that maybe this is the guy. Not the ONE. But I'm open to the possibility. I don't know what I'm going to do now that I'm all grown up. I was eleven when I first liked him and there was no way that I was going to do anything about it then. Now it's different. It's just...I don't know what to do, and I always somehow know what to do. Not anymore. All these years and I'm just going to talk to him? I don't know. Sure, Facebook's a place to communicate, but what about outside of Facebook? I don't want him to be the "what if" guy. I also don't want him to be creeped out when he finds that I've had feelings for him for all these years. Maybe I'll just continue to live my life until the time is right...then again, when is it ever right? Maybe I'll take it slow -- maybe this time when our eyes meet, I won't look down. Maybe when we bump into each other I will say hi. Maybe when we see each other across the street I'll smile. Little things add up, don't they?

For now, I'll start blogging more often. I'll take things day to day. And a big thanks to those who haven't given up on me as a blogger. I appreciate it! 

Much Love ,

V

Expecations, Expectations

It’s time to wake up. There’s so much more out there to live for than that one person that you’ve been waiting for. If we can’t experience life, we can’t experience love. We need to drop our expectations of a guy and not be afraid of getting our hearts broken. I was listening to the radio today and I heard something that opened my eyes to how humans need to act. Sure, we've evolved into this intelligent being that thinks and feels things that other species can't. But sometimes, thinking too much and being too emotional can get in the way of our perception of life. We approach people, guys especially with expectations and a shield of knowledge from our past experiences. And we don't even give them a chance to prove anything. Once he does something that some guy that we dealt with before, we drop him. Or if he resembles that guy we fell in love with once, we open our hearts right away. We don't ever let the truth set in. If we did, then maybe we wouldn't be missing the opportunities that life throws at us. And that's why this radio commercial changed my views, it said:

Be more like dogs, because dogs are non-judgemental. They always start a relationship with a human being with no expectations--except that they will be nice. (People for the Good)

And that's why we need to just be expect for the good, instead of expecting for the bad. 

Chick flicks and chick lit tells us to be wary of those "types" of guys. We categorize them, we judge them, before anything. Sometimes, it's good going into a relationship with a blindfold, instead of going at them with a set of guidelines. Think about it, guys also have a set of guidelines and could be acting on those. If he acts like a jerk at first, it may be that he's just trying to impress you or try to show off his personality. It's stepping stones. We don't just give him that first pitch and strike one he's out. Obviously, he's made numerous mistakes or disrespects you--he's not worth your time. But you got to give a guy a chance, he could be as nervous as you are, but he's being all cocky to mask away his nerves. Get to know him a little.

You know, I look at some guys as charity cases. Well at least, that's what my sister says. I always try to look for the good in a bad person, and somehow think that I can take all the bad things away. Of course, everyone has flaws and we need to accept them or help them out. But we can't always change a person with our love and care. Sometimes, they're full of shit that we can't fix, but maybe someone else can. We can't fix everything in this world ourselves, we need other people to fix it. We all try to maintain order and try to cover the chaotic with our knowledge, but our world is an environment of chaos...we just need to accept that it is. We can't fix every single person. We're just one speck on this planet, and we are agents of our own stories. But we need to stop thinking about how to write our stories in our heads, we've got to live our stories. We will experience some things that we can find in a movie or a television show, but you know what the difference is? We can feel it, all we need to do is savour it. But how can we, if we've got these guidelines or warnings in our heads? You can't. 

That's why I'm asking all of you...let go of your set of expectations. Don't plan things to make things happen, just let life happen. And I will promise you, I will do the same. I'm not perfect and I don't have all the answers on how to make a relationship successful. We're all in the same boat, and that's what I realized today. So let's do it, let's start again. 

Lots of love, 

V

Show some LOVE! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYONE! Or if you're single (like yours truly): HAPPY SINGLES' AWARENESS DAY!

It's sad, isn't it? That no matter how long I'm gone...I seem to just find my way back on Valentine's to blog about this day. You probably think good God, she's moping about how she's got no one. And you know what, it sucks. For some singles, they tend to mask the depression of Valentine's Day and turn it into an Anti-Valentine's Day; scowling at every person that walks by with flowers and chocolate. But hey, if you had a person that would do the same thing for you, you'd be looking forward to this day. If you don't, try harder next year...I'm joking. Listen ladies, every day, a man's got to treat you like it's Valentine's Day. It doesn't take a lot to buy a heart-shaped box of chocolates and order some nice roses, but it's what he says to you that matters. That's what everyone's looking for. Strip off the consumerism and say what you mean on this day. If you don't have anyone, it's ok...there's always next year. You don't need to mope, just wait for the chocolate to go on sale tomorrow. Then maybe, we'll romance our good friend food and romantic movies...with a little box of kleenex.


Lots of Love,

V

This Is Fact, Not Fiction

Dear Valerie,

In response to your comment below, I would just like everyone to know that I wasn't "burnt" in anyway. That blog post was merely for amusement, and had nothing to do with my current situation...and did not mention what it was. You would have to know me, if you did. (I like using pseudonyms too!) Just please tell it to my face, rather than announcing to the world that I was burnt...(stole my thunder, girl! Jokes!). It's brilliant, but some parts are wrong about what's going in my life.

My situation isn't something that I was hoping for when I first met Harvey. I thought he was single, but all along he wasn't. Mmm girl he played ya. Or Valerie, in your words I was "burnt". If he did (or not) play me, I was also a perpetrator. We were NEVER in a relationship. We were, at the time I found out, friends. And that's what he still is to me, even now...and nothing's going to change.

People have to learn how to let go and not stick back and watch their lives burning down to bits. You have learn how to improvise the bitch of a slap that life gives you. And I'm not justifying his actions, at all. He was wrong. I was wrong. But in reality, we have to make do. We need to look how to improve ourselves. This blog is here to help girls to improve themselves, by not some "perfect" bitch who is the relationship guru...I'm just like all of you. I learn things from my mistakes and sometimes, I don't follow my own advice, ladies. But I do at least try. We're here to help each other, not to tell people "I told you so". I give you my blog, I get your emails/comments and I appreciate them alot...and we work together in order to improve. They help me out a lot too. When we help each other, we help ourselves. And the biggest obstacle is to admit that you were wrong, and ladies, I was wrong about Harvey. Not in liking him or even him liking me. I was wrong in thinking that he was going to be mine, because from the start he never was. And no, I don't regret liking him. To me, I never regret anything, I always look at it in a way that would benefit me. Mistakes are what build character, and owning up to them is one of the hardest things to overcome.

Even if he did like me, even if he did have a girlfriend--- I'm not pursuing him anymore. It's wrong and it makes you feel like shit when you interfere with someone else's happiness. Though, I know it's not like he's married, I will stay by his side as a friend (with some feelings left for him). He's helped me out a lot. And there was never a break-up, because there was nothing to break -- it only implied a continuation of a friendship. The "Pursuit of Harveyness" is not over, in a sense that I'm pursuing him for a relationship. All I want is nothing but a friendship. And I have that now, I'm glad I do. My feelings will remain the same, but I'm sure that I'll move on. I've moved on before and I'm capable of doing it again.

So Valerie, I really appreciate your concern and the best wishes. Thank you! I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but will be more willing to help other people with theirs. For now, living life with an open-mind and open-heart is not a plan, but a decision I am so willing to make.

Move on. It's just a chapter in the PAST. But don't CLOSE THE BOOK. TURN THE PAGE. 

~ Anonymous.

Lots of Love y'all,

V

I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You

It's post-break up. There you are, sitting on the couch, tears in your eyes, a tub of Ben & Jerry's in one hand and a spoon in the other, while Adele's Someone Like You (on repeat) plays in the background. You're upset. You question why he broke up with you, all of a fucking sudden. Was it another chick that took his heart away? Did you do something wrong? Or was there not enough chemistry between you two? Who knows what his reasons were. He should have explained when he broke up with you. Don't ever try to figure it out yourself. If you want to find out, then ask. I know it'll be a little awkward, but you never want that heart-wrenching question tugging your mind every-now-and-then. But you know that you'll get over it, because you're better than that. I know you can do it. If anything, it's more than possible.

BUT ladies, I'm not here to tell you that you can do it. There are some of us who don't get over break-ups. There are some of us who are in denial. There are some of us who think that he's still secretly in love with us, and he knows it. Yes, there are people who live in destitution. It does sound scary, but when a girl falls in love, there are times when she's very reluctant let go. I want to tell you some of the extremes that girls go through to get their man back, though sometimes successful, it will totally scare the shit out of you and me.

STALKING. One of the many things tactics that girls do, when in denial. After a relationship, you know a lot about a guy: where he works, his favorite hangouts, maybe where his buddies live, his parents house, and of his humble abode (sometimes could count as his parents house). Now, the ex-boyfriend stalkers typically corner their former men in these specific places, sometimes scaring the shit out of them. Especially, when she's EVERYWHERE. There will be times when she makes things awkward, when she pulls small-talk. Or there are times, when she watches him from a distance. Sometimes, it's not obvious, because some girls, as crafty as they are, will bring their friends along (without them knowing of her intent). What's the logic, you say? Well look at this way, remember that cliche of a saying: distance makes the heart grow fonder? Well, girls think that maybe after a long time of not seeing someone, the guy will suddenly see her everywhere and maybe his old feelings will resurface...but in most cases (unless you're in a chick-flick), stunts like that won't bring them back.

LIES. LIES. LIES. (and more LIES.) Yes, making up insane stories about your current living conditions, is one of the many ways girls think they can get their guy back. It's a matter of telling them a heart-wrenching story about you, and hoping for the best. Some guys have gotten pregnancy scares, a death of a family member, becoming terminally ill with some incurable disease. Some are quite worse than the aforementioned...some girls tell the craziest shit, as if it was coming in from a movie. Hey, we're the pretty crafty sex, when it comes to story-telling. Again, what's the reason for their thinking? Come to think of it, the girl wants attention, she wants someone to care for her again. But they don't really think of the end results? What do I mean? I mean, when the truth comes out. What if your "deceased" mother appears at a family function? Or what if you're apparent "six months to live" is up and the guy wants an explanation? Telling a lie, is far worse than telling the truth. The more you prolong that, the more he will get hurt. And from then on, if something bad happens in your life, he won't ever believe you, even if it was true.

PRETENDING THAT THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN'T OVER. Apart from the lies, this one is the worst. Some girls make themselves believe that it still isn't over. To them, they're still in a relationship. And they tell everyone that they're still together. The guy doesn't have to be in her life, for this to work. He's just on a "break" from this relationship, and he will come back. It's all a matter of pretending that he's still in your life....even though, he actually isn't.

No matter how you cope with your break-up, we all feel the same way when that moment actually happens. Some girls take it easy, some girls...not so much. Just so you girls know, you've always got girlfriends to lend you a shoulder to cry on (just don't abuse it). I know, it sucks to be alone, when for the most part, you had someone by your side for so long. Everyone knows that there's got to be some point in time when you're going to get hurt, even without knowing it. Just enjoy what you had, and move on, even it takes baby steps. Just remember, when you're in denial, you're invading the guys privacy. He could be the biggest jerk of life or he could be having a hard time with the break up too. Just don't forget that you got to move on. Don't ever regret things, because they make you who you are today. Moving on, is easier said than done, but you're bound to find another guy who is willing to love you even more! And the first step to getting one? Moving on...

Much love, 

V 

Have Yourself Another Dream Tonight

I'm going to try something new. Instead of ranting, I would just like to address a few things through a letter. To whom? To the broken-hearted girl/guy. So here it goes....

To the Broken-Hearted,

 I know it's over, right? You felt like you were living life in full throttle and that there was no going downhill from there. Your whole existence was dedicated to living with this wonderful person you've found or had found you. And you know, being in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world. You feel invincible, like nothing is going to bring you down, because you found this amazing human being. In your world, the impossible just became the possible. You found your little piece of heaven in this world of chaos. You found the person that you could potentially spend the all of your life with. And all your friends are so jealous about this new-found happiness. They always tell you how lucky you are to have this person and to call them yours. You have the single people sneering at you, because they want the same thing, they want what you have and for some reason, in your mind, you seem to be the only person to have him/her. We live in this world where we constantly adjust our lifestyles to what people want us to have, but this individual fell in love with YOU and that's when your self-confidence boosts. This experience is so life-changing that you feel like a new person. 

And then it hits you...or you hit it. The brick wall in the relationship. The fork in the road. Where you must decide whether or not it's the right thing...you and that person. Your significant other could hit this path before you do. Here you are at one point in time, where you're dissecting this relationship...and you could either break through this wall and forget that you didn't even hit it...or you could just stop there. There, your version of paradise is over. Your world crashes. And the last thing you want to hear from that person that you told everything, that you gave your whole life to, is that they never loved you. Or it could be vice versa. You're numbed by the fact, that all this time was wasted. Sometimes you're in denial. Sure, the relationship didn't work out. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe it wasn't for you. Maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe it lacked the chemistry. Whatever it is, just know, cherish memories both good and bad. If you're in denial that it's over, you're living in this dream world where one day he's going to realize that he's missing out. It could be true. But he could've moved on already. For those assholes, who had no reason to break up with their significant other, who just did it for the sake of it...you just took that person for granted. People shouldn't be at your disposal, because once it happens to you, you'll realize how it feels to feel like shit.

Please make sure they don't come running back into your arms. Don't make it easy for them. Show them that the hell that they put you through made you a better person. I know that the tears, the temper tantrums, the random outbursts, the self-hate that person brought about after they ruined your life, were hard to forget. And even if you've survived your life without them,  there will be a point in time where you two will meet again. And there will be a point in time, where you'll question if it was right to put them aside. And there will be a point in time, where you want them back, where you go weak in the knees...where you want to go crawling back to them. What your after  is not actually them...it's that happiness that they put you through. But you know what I've learned? It's in the past and once a scar has appeared, it can never be erased. No matter how much anti-scarring ointment you put on it...it's still there.

Here's my theory, once you experience falling in love, then heartbreak, you always keep that memory of happiness and you spend the rest of your life trying to find the exact same thing. Well, I say break away. Keep the past in the past. Because once you find the next person, you'll experience happiness two times harder than before. So look forward to the future. It's going to be much happier. The next person is even more special than the last...he/she carried you out from all the sorrow you've experienced from your previous relationship. 

Or it could be a different scenario. It could turn out that this brick wall, is just one obstacle that you have to face in your relationship and that maybe it will take time to heal. Maybe it wasn't the right time for either of you. But if that's the case, there's no excuse for you to look forward to the future. 

I know it's going to be a hard first few months. But it's going to get better, if you believe that it will. 

Lots of Love, 

V 

*****Dedicated******To all my friends, readers, who have experienced heartbreak...you're not alone.