The Sound of Silence

Who the fuck said that SILENCE IS GOLDEN? Of course, I agree with it, but sometimes silence may not be the best thing to encounter when you're in a relationship. ESPECIALLY when you're in a relationship. Here's the thing, I was dealing with a guy a couple of months ago. And he was very horny. Like ALL his texts were all about SEX and the thing was...I barely knew him! Then it came to a point where he was telling me that he wanted to go "all the fucking way" with me and that's when it hit me: Sure, but who are you? Like you can't say that. That's not part of the plan. You're supposed to say it indirectly and you're supposed to tell it to my fucking face...AND you're also supposed to talk to me. I hardly know you! So I told the dude (with the help of my dear friend), "Why don't we all go ALL THE WAY to the coffee shop and see where it goes?". Sure enough, he apologized for his horny-ness, but agreed to coffee it up with me. I was so happy, because finally, we could see each other face to face. And then the day came for our little coffee date, he told me he was going to see some friends first, but technically, he was "essentially available". WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? Oh well, so I waited him to text me, so that we could go out, but NOTHING. "Essentially" you could hear the crickets chirping between us. Guys like that are FUCKED in the HEAD. Has that ever happened to you, ladies? I mean, when a guy gets you over-excited and then the next day he goes bi-polar on you and he just stops talking? Like that's the end of it?! Then you wonder why. Did you do anything wrong? Probably not. And they call US girls. Come on, I thought guys were supposed to be "straight-up" with what they need to say, but unfortunately, we usually get stuck with the ones who are afraid of a real conversation. But you know, though it is such an unfortunate event, SILENCE, I suppose is GOLDEN. I wouldn't want to date an "I'm so horny-and-I-am-scared-of-a-little-conversation" type of guy. Ladies, enjoy the conversation. Conversation is KEY. Remember: CONVERSATION, THEN PLAY. Again, CONVERSATION, THEN PLAY. Because then, you would know what type of guy he really is. Think about it, if you're not having sex, what else would you do with him? TALK. And what if he turns out to be boring as fuck? My point exactly.

Enjoy your weekend, ladies!

Bulk, Not Sulk

Put.The.Ben&Jerry's Tub. Down. Like...Now. You've recently broken up with your asshole-of-a-boyfriend and now you've decided to sulk. What the hell are you doing? I mean, give it time, because time will heal your broken heart. Though, if you keep eating, time will come in which your heart will literally burst, due to the fact that it can't take any more of that fat you're stuffing down your body. Oh, I've sulked before, but in the midst of putting another spoonful of Choco Chip Cookie Dough (YUMMMM) into my mouth, I realized: THIS IS NOT FUCKING RIGHT. I mean, it FELT right, because it's what people do when they just need to sulk. But do you ever realize what you're doing to yourself when you're stuffing that piece of delicious double chocolate crunch cheesecake into your mouth? NO. Obviously not, but this was my epiphany. A revelation, something that I needed to realize before it was too late. Slowly, but surely I put that spoon of B&J's Choco Chip Cookie Dough back into the bucket and exclaimed, "Fuck this." Yeah, it was that easy. Here's the thing, if the objective here is to move on, then why aren't we out there yet? Sure it takes time to move on and indulging it's a step "getting over him". But see here, we shouldn't be stuffing our faces with God-Knows-What. If we're moving on, do we want to move on looking like a beluga whale? They're really cute, but still, that's not my point. WE HAVE TO BE AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL, LADIES! We all have the ability to, we just gotta try. It'll be a hard road to get on to, but we seriously need to get on it. Guys, though superficial, they have a good point. They want us to look fit and be fit. WHY? They just don't want they're date to enter Cardiac Arrest due to their awful eating habits! No, we don't want that to happen. So, here's the idea: RUN, WALK, JUMP, DO WHATEVER YOU GOT TO DO TO KEEP FIT! I'm no doctor, but being physically active will help relieve stress and make you look UBER SEXY in that little black dress for that next date. So the next time you see Ben & Jerry, give them the cold shoulder, don't worry, we still secretly love them. Of course, you can indulge ONCE in a while--it's a MUST.

Blindness, Vampires and Werewolves! Oh My!

Love is fucking blind. That's all I've got to say. It kind of sucks, especially when this statement doesn't apply to you--because you haven't found anyone to be "blindly" in love with. Like who is this guy? And where do I find him? As we all know, girls pick out the little details of a guy, until he's stripped down to the very core. LITERALLY. And then it comes to a halt, when we realize that he's not our type. There's just always something to point out with us. It's probably the same with guys, but it's just so prominent with girls. So boys, if you're wondering who we compare you to on the first date, as of now, EDWARD CULLEN or JACOB BLACK (which ever floats our boat). It's obviously unfair, but you got to hand it to Stephanie Meyer for starting the idea. Now we expect you to make us a lullaby, save us from evil vamps and impregnate us with a magical half vamp-half human baby. No need to worry boys, it's not that we don't want you to be NORMAL --we want you to try. Especially when you have a vamp and a werewolf for competition. See, we have a lot of expectations, when it comes to guys. But when these expectations don't matter anymore, yes, you've found him: THE EXCEPTION.You lucky bitch. Now help me!

What To Expect

A BLANK SLATE. I wonder what will become of this once I start. First things first, I think that it'll be filled with complete nonsense about some previous guy that i liked. And then I'll probably go on to saying that I want to move on, but at the same time, wishing that I could go back and spend another moment with him. He probably doesn't even care, for all I know. It took me long enough to figure out that he will NEVER come back to me. Why do we take so long to leave someone like that behind? We spend countless hours scheming on how to get him back--as if it were ever going to happen. Yet it NEVER crosses our minds that he most likely doesn't spend much time thinking about us. Why do we succumb to douche bags? Why do we act so stupidly so that the guy notices? We idealize these guys in our heads and add great personality traits and some features into the mix--and the sad thing is, we've never talked to this guy before. Based on OUR assumptions we make this guy some sort of god or fallen angel, and us, so awe-stricken by this immaculate episode, we fall to his feet and obey his every command. But what happens when we realize the truth? We're lost. We don't know what to do, our previous plans of getting married are scrapped and now we're staring at the ugly truth right in the face. We feel like we're slowly sinking into that abyss of nothingness and then and there we realize that jackass is FLAWED. Who would've known? But does it actually make us stop liking him? PROBABLY NOT. We decide to stick around for a while, give him a second chance (without him knowing it), and wait for the second blow. And where do our friends fit in to this wonderful picture? Cheering us on in the audience. They have got us totally convinced that he really does love us, but it just takes him a little longer to process. Why don't they ever tell us the truth? Actually, some do. It's just that we would rather listen to the one who nods to everything we say, even if we tell them that the sky is green and the ocean is yellow...Now saying that, they're not the only ones who lead us on. The biggest offender is, no not guys, us. Yeah it's true (unfortunately), but we do tend to lead ourselves on, especially when we're getting the "facts" from pure observation. And the thing that gets me is: where do these girls find these perfect guys? Where I'm from all the perfect guys I find are gay, married, or straight, but on the path to priesthood. The problem is with me, and most of us, is that we never talk about the "now", so maybe it is better to live for the moment and not the future. And quite possibly, that's how we'll find him or better yet, that's how he'll find us. We just got to BE and not ACT ourselves, though it's hard, it's the only way to find the guy who will love YOU for YOU. I found this out the hard way and so did he. But there's always room for mistakes, no matter how big they are, because if he loved you that much, the things you've done in the past hardly count to what he expects in the future. Just don't make too many. And one more thing: DON'T BE SHALLOW. Everybody has expectations, but don't let them rule your life, because that's what could be barring you from the opportunities that are set for you. This slate's not so blank after all. I guess you could take some advice from this whole rant. But this is what I'm here for. This is the beginning of relationship lessons from a girl who has to learn them for herself too, but together, we could educate each other.